The Showboat

Gorilla + Phil Collins + Cadbury's = Awesome

2007-09-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

It was only a nightmare

2007-08-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Wait, it was only a dream!

P.S. Kevin Smith, I want the two hours I spent watching Clerks 2 back.

Xbox Ring o' Death at Target

2007-08-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

Passed through the video game aisle at the Target on LaBrea and Santa Monica today, and spied the store's demonstration Xbox has gotten the red ring of death that has plagued many Xboxes.

Quick, somebody bring a sleeping bag from camping supplies, we've got to nurse this back to health!

But the red ring is appropriate for Target, though. I guess.

L337 7V r3p@!r 4 haxxorz

2007-08-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

When in Burbank, visit Leet TV repair.

Cafferty has a Posse

2006-11-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Out for a jog

2006-11-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

Brokeback Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

2006-07-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Umm... is Fox Home Video trying to tell us something with the font on their new DVD re-release of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?

"Butch and me have been talking it all over. Wherever the hell Bolivia is, that's where we're off to."
-Sundance

Miracle Baby

2006-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is a shocker. We all knew about Dagmar spotted canoodling with Colin Farrell at the Old Spaghetti Factory, but Dutchess siring Brad's second baby flew under the radar. Word has it they got People magazine to pony up a cool three million dollars, which will be spent on refurbishing the sun deck on their Malibu compound.

Uh-oh...

2006-06-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Nobody's Watching

2006-06-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:

Dagmar and Dutchess

2006-06-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!1!!

2006-04-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late new year's post. I've been busy.

van Bob

2005-12-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite video.
[via]

Show is the New Boat II: The Wrath of Khan

2005-11-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hott new band alert!

2005-10-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

Awww. Who could hate the brand of hate that's sung by the Olsen Twins of hate?

[Via Stereolaffs]

Mountain Goats - This Year

2005-10-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Watch this video by the Mountain Goats, where the Manson Family, kidnapping, forced performance, home remodeling, and group photos meet. Link.
[Edit: This link is not Mac/Firefox friendly, so if anyone can direct me to a quicktime link, I'd appreciate it.]

Teen Homicide

2005-09-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when latchkey kids are left home alone with nothing but CSI, CSI: Miami, and Encyclopedia Brown books. If there were an award for achievement in the field of high-fiving, this would win that award. I would hire Jess Lane and Jon Golbe as my teen sidekicks if I ever became a super hero. From New York's Channel 102.

From the Bilges: Sandwich Stores

2005-09-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

The show I was working on last season needed legally-clear options for the name to a sandwich store, so in my position it was up to me to generate a list. This is that list.

Sandwich Store Options

Sub Shack
Hoagie Shack
Grinder Shack
Salisbury Subs
Salisbury Gil’s
Connecticut Gil’s
Hoagie Town
Hoagieville

Submarine Station
Submarine Deli
Sub Town
The Sub House
Subville
Sandwich Station
The Sandwichophile
Gil’s Sandwich Club
Gil’s Grinders n’ Subs
Grindertown
Grinderville
Subs n’ Heros
Gil’s Super Heros
Big Mouth’s Extreme Subs
Potbelly’s Big Subs
Scooter’s
Quintzo’s
Torgo’s
Peabody’s
Prady’s
Pinky’s
Pauly’s
Ziggy’s
Porky’s
Garfunkel’s
The Submarine Dock
The Bread Torpedo
Papoo’s Submarine Sandwich Show
The Sandwich Showboat
Dr. Gil’s Sandwich Asylum
Professor Gil’s School of Sandwiches
The Earl of Sandwich’s Kingdom of Hoagies

Mojo

2005-09-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Mojo, the Baxter to my brother's Ron Burgundy, passed away on Monday night. He was a really cool dog.
I hope you're up in heaven Mojo, leaving a present on SRV's front lawn and making Jimi look at your pink thing...

Oh behave

2005-09-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

[Via]

Flip Flop

2005-08-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of open-toed footwear, after the Teva-related garbage can/big toe incident of '95. But I think I might be ready to give flip-flops a try again after seeing the Reef Fanning Sandal, a sandal designed as a tribute to "pro-surfer and party animal extraordinaire" Mick Fanning. Not only are they totally extreme, but they have a Nobel-worthy development - a bottle opener built into the sole. Bottom line: these flip flops are the thunder from down under.

[Via Elaine]

One Line Review

2005-08-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Entourage Season 2

"Mandy Moore? More like Mandy less."

[UPDATE: Oh, I take it back. She's adorable!]

Rated/Unrated

2005-08-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Road Trip

Now what's this movie about? Tom Green finds a treasure map and is accompanied by people who are only covered up by a large map?!!!!1!!! And the dude from Joey's neck looks out of whack. He should see a chiropractor. Or find a better photoshopper. Also: a retarded kid!

You can tell this version is much sexier because instead of a map, the naked people are covered up by a giant license plate. Also, Tom Green is now wearing a hooded sweatshirt and is looking very shocked, so you can rest assured that Tom Green will not be naked in this version. The license plate reads: UNR8D!, which is short for 'unrated.' You can also tell this version is unrated and uncensored, because at the top of the cover it says "Unrated! Uncensored!" Also clues to the fact that this version is naughtier: the kid with the helmet is holding a bra, and the kid from Joey (whose head still looks a little out of alignment, but better) is holding a pair of womens' underwear.

Both covers are poorly designed.

The Girl Next Door

Okay, there's a dude here. And he's in school because there's a chalkboard. And the girl (next door) is into denim shorts.

The ultimate tease. Whoah! There's a brown wrapper on the box! Elisha Cuthbert is totally naked under that! Not so fast. If you think Kim Bauer is going to give it up on the inside box cover, you have another thing coming. If you think she's going to give it up in the movie, you've just wasted 90 minutes of your life. And you'll never get that back.

Do They Know It's Halloween?

2005-08-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

From Vice Records comes this charity single making fun of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" I'll let the Vice website speak for itself:

BOO! This fall’s sweetest – and scariest – benefit song is DO THEY KNOW IT’S HALLOWE’EN. This single features a star-studded ensemble known as the NORTH AMERICAN HALLOWEEN PREVENTION INITIATIVE. Both a trick and a treat, this song is a satire - as well as a charity-benefit song with all proceeds being donated to UNICEF.

An epic journey into the pulsating heart of fear, this song is a call-to-arms featuring:
Beck
Sum 41
The Arcade Fire
Sonic Youth
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Sloan
Peaches
Feist
Devendra Banhart
Wolf Parade
Postal Service
Buck 65
Comedian David Cross
Sex Pistols’ founder Malcolm McLaren
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
60s soul legend Gino Washington
Psychedelic singer Roky Erickson
Los Angeles 70s group Sparks
Inuit throat singer, Tagaq (a frequent collaborator with Björk)
AND MANY MORE!

RELEASE DATE: OCT. 11 2005 (IN ST0RES)

FORMAT: CD SINGLE and VINYL 12"

AVAILABLE DIGITALLY FROM ALL DSPs: OCT. 4 2005

Written by: Nick Diamonds & Adam Gollner
Produced by: Steven McDonald, Adam Gollner, Nick Diamonds.

You can listen to the song here. Final thought: Why does "60s soul legend" sound so much better than "Los Angeles 70s group"?

[Note: the picture above of scantily-clad sorority girls came from a Google image search of the term 'halloween.' Focus-groups demanding more skin on this blog had no influence over this picture's selection.]

Bob Moog 1934-2005

2005-08-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

Bob Moog, electronic music pioneer and inventor of the Moog Synthesizer died Sunday in Asheville, NC, after losing his battle with brain cancer.
Official statement

Show is the new Boat

2005-08-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

[Editor's note: I've been doing the blog thing in one form or another for about a year now, and I never get more than ten hits a day. My defunct blog gets more hits from people looking for Jonathan Lipnicki photos than this blog, which I update semi-regularly. In an attempt to increase traffic, I have appropriated the style of an established, high-traffic blog. That is all.]

The Fall frontman Mark E. Smith was caught on the streets, returning from another round of tetanus shots. Keep doing your thing, M.E.S.!

It looks like there's a gator on the loose in Los Angeles. Keep reachin' for the stars! Hope you don't get turned into a Luis Vuitton handbag. Holla!

Did anybody see Starved on FX last night? Guest starring as the fat guy's wife was totally Evie from "Out of this World." Seeing Maureen Flanigan is always great, too bad Donna Pescow hasn't been seen since 2003's "The Even Stevens Movie." Holla!

Speaking of stars of eighties syndicated situation comedies dealing in the milieu of science fiction/fantasy, what ever happened to Small Wonder's robot Vicki?

Hillary Duff totally looks cute in this outfit. I almost bought that cap at Hot Topic myself. And I also like Granny Smith Apples. We should totally hang, girl!

OMG! I can't believe I forgot! It's been ten years since the July 1995 massacre in Srebrenica, Bosnia, where 7,000 Muslim men and boys were killed by the Bosnian Serb Army. And despite the healing that has been going on, and the success of the war crimes tribunals, there is still a lot to be done to ensure that this never happens again. They will never be forgotten. Holla!

Did anyone see the pictures of Cameron Diaz at the beach? There should have been an alert for a beached whale! Oh no she didn't!

Good Charlotte: Prepackaged rebellion has never been so hott. Never bought one of their albums, because quite frankly, they suck, but I wanna be mentioned on their site! Holla back Hot Topic!

Well, that about does it for me. I'm going to have a schvitz, watch some Larry King, and call it a night. Holla!

Bilden Sie Geschäftsmesse

2005-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Like the Banacek of popular culture, rest assured that I am on the case when it comes to theft and malfeasance. Take for example the song "Talk" off Coldplay's latest album, X&Y. It is a direct rip-off from German electronic music pioneers Kraftwerk's song "Computer Love" off their 1981 album "Computer World!" How such a blatant crime can go unnoticed is beyond me! Has Chris Martin hired Karl Rove as his number two man? This is an affront to the careers and reputations of Kraftwerk's Ralf Hutter, Florian Schneider, Karl Bartos, and Wolfgang Flur, not to mention Klaus Dinger, Fritz Hilpert, or Henning Schmitz. For shame, Chris Martin, for shame!

[Update: It appears that this is a known fact, and songwriting credit has been given to Kraftwerk. The fact that I downloaded "Computer Love" off a free gnutella client has been forwarded to the double standard police.]

Supergrass - St. Petersburg

2005-08-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

Supergrass have released an uninterrupted series of excellent albums beginning with 1997's "In It For The Money" through 2003's "Life on Other Planets." "St. Petersburg" is the single off their forthcoming album "Road to Rouen," and sounds unlike their previous work, but not uncharacteristic of their oeuvre. (Note: The previous sentence was written with the assistance of the editorial staff of Mojo Magazine.) I have always contended that singer Gaz Coombes is one of the ugliest men in rock, and in this video he looks something like Jack Black on Atkins. Which is an improvement?
View in Quicktime (yay) or Windows Media (boo).

Charlotte Hatherley - Bastardo

2005-08-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

After becoming a huge fan of director Edgar Wright's work on Shaun of the Dead and Spaced, I came across this video he directed for Ash axewoman Charlotte Hatherley's song "Bastardo." Really inventive, and full of britcom cameos. Watch here.

Investing in Tomorrow's Irony... TODAY!

2005-08-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm cleaning out my closets and drawers to give to charity. I tell you this because I want it to be known that I am a damn good guy. But I have a quandry. I came across a Kerry for president t-shirt, something I will definitely not be wearing for the time being. Should I donate it to the homeless? Won't clothing a homeless person (henceforth refered to as a 'hobo') in a Kerry t-shirt kill any motivation or aspirations that the hobo might have? Is it good for my karma to do this? OR, should I pack the shirt away in a box, and let its irony value appreciate over time? Can you imagine how great a Dukakis or Mondale, or Bush/Quayle '92 t-shirt would be about now? In 15-20 years, this t-shirt could have good irony value. Speaking of irony value, I believe that in 5 years time, a Gin Blossoms t-shirt will have the irony value equivalent to this year's ironic Journey t-shirts. Save those Third Eye Blind t-shirts, kids. Developing...

Powerpointers

2005-08-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation
Clarkson Industries' Since U Been Gone Annual Report 2005

Great Xenu's Ghost!

2005-08-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

Poking the Bear With A Stick Department: Has anyone else noticed that Project Greenlight director John Gulager is a ringer for Scientology founder and professional ascot model L. Ron? Put Gulager in an sailor suit or show me Hubbard bathing out of a bathroom sink and tell me they're not twinsies.

The Worst Aspect of Scientology

2005-08-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'd have to say that besides the thousands of dollars in auditing fees, having to tell your deepest secrets to a church member while being tape recorded, and the possibility that the church will order you to cut off contact with "suppressive" friends and family, the worst part about Scientology is being obligated to hang out with Danny Masterson.

Googlewhacked!

2005-08-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

According to Google, the Showboat is the only place on the net that features the terms "Chris Eigeman" and "crunk." Strangely, Googling "Chris Makepeace" and "zeitgeist" brings up 81 results.

Roundup at Video Gulch

2005-08-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

Weezer "We Are All on Drugs"

Roisin Murphy "If We're in Love"

Hot Hot Heat "Middle of Nowhere"

Ladytron "Destroy Everything You Touch"

(Note: This video was obviously shot on the same mountain as Tenacious D's "Wonderboy" video)

Cultures Clashing

2005-08-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

The upcoming release of "My Left Foot" and "In America" director Jim Sheridan's "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" starring rapper 50 Cent marks a continuation of a trend started by Curtis Hanson's Eminem-starrer "8 Mile." That trend promises to roll on as art house film directors join up with rappers in these films to be released over the next year.

Director Peter Greenaway made his mark upon cinema with the controversial "The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover." In "Bitch, Please"he reunites with star Helen Mirren, who plays Imelda, the wife of a British MP. After sustaining a concussion in the local Sainsbury's, Imelda begins to exhibit signs of multiple personalities. Her alternate personality "Danitra" is portrayed by rapper Lil' Kim, who is a streetwise and tough-talking New York hip-hopper. When her husband (Michael Gambon) is invited to No. 10 Downing Street, Imelda seeks help from a back-alley lobotomist with sado-masochistic tendencies(Gary Oldman). Will Danitra suddenly take over in the middle of the Prime Minister's speech? You'll just have to wait and see how this tale of cultures clashing unfolds!

"Metropolitan" and "Barcelona" were writer/director Whit Stillman's tales of chatty New Yorkers trying to learn the rules of love in high society. In "Who Drank the Crunk Juice?" Stillman regular Chris Eigeman returns as Derek, a young art gallery owner whose long-lost cousin moves into his trendy Soho loft. Only, Derek's cousin "Thrilla" is rapper Lil' Jon, a streetwise and tough-talking Dirty South hip-hopper. Will Thrilla's attempts to manufacture and market an alcoholic energy drink get in the way of Derek's big art show? You'll just have to wait and see how this tale of cultures clashing unfolds!

British director Ken Loach is known for his gritty tales of blue-collar workers, such as "Bread and Roses" and "Sweet Sixteen." In "The Littlest Genie" Loach turns his lens on streetwise and tough-talking Sacramento hip-hopper Skee-Lo, playing himself, a UPS driver, who crashes his truck and comes upon a magic lamp. Once Skee-Lo rubs the lamp, he's promised three wishes by Babu-Sabu, the littlest genie (Jonathan Lipnicki). Only, Babu-Sabu wants to learn the ways of hip-hop, so it's up to Skee-Lo to teach him to be cool, while avoiding the criminals who are out to steal Babu-Sabu's magical wishes. What happens when a thirtysomething UPS driving hip-hopper comes in contact with a 2,000 year-old teenage genie? You'll just have to wait and see how this tale of cultures clashing unfolds!

OH YEAH!

2005-07-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Way too much information on Kool-Aid Man.

Ok Go - A Million Ways

2005-07-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is the best thing I've seen in a long time.

Desperate Housewives deserves Emmys

2005-07-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

No matter what people say about Desperate Housewives not deserving an Emmy nomination for comedy (and I agree, this show is not funny and sucks goat balls), it does deserve Emmy awards in the following categories:

Achievement in Lazy Storytelling (Narration): Instead of relying on plot, characters, or acting to move the story along, there's the most grating narration since I listened to the audiobook of The Celestine Prophecy as read by Fran Drescher. But congratulations to Sports Night's Sally for landing a high-profile TV gig, without having to deal with the shrewfest on set.
Achievement in Hamfisted Musical Score: I don't know who composes the music for the show, but they should be shot in the back of the head, if only because the music has the subtlety of an axe to the head, and I think inflicting that kind of punishment is cruel and unusual.
Melrose Place Refugee Humanitarian Award: For giving safe harbor to Gay Matt and Crazy Scar-Head Lady.

That's all I got, goodnight, folks!

Extras

2005-07-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Teaser clips from the new Ricky Gervais BBC series are now online. Alternate links here and here.

To my reader:

2005-07-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

Mac: Sorry there haven't been any updates lately, I've been busy doing some work. The San Fernando Valley is never so lovely as it is in the summer.

Six Feet Under Cruise Control

2005-06-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

"Here is a man, and I care about George Sibley because I think he is an incredibly talented man. You look at, where has his career gone?"
"When you talk about hiding in a bomb shelter, you can take people today, men, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a man through these things."

September 13...

2005-06-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

...marks the return of the Directors Label, the series of DVDs focused on music video directors. The first wave featuring Spike Jonze, Michel Gondry, and Chris Cunningham came out in 2003. They were awesome.

The new batch, features Mark Romanek, Jonathan Glazer, Anton Corbijn, and Stéphane Sednaoui. They should be awesome.

The Work of Director Mark Romanek includes:
Jay Z - 99 Problems
Beck - Devil's Haircut
Sonic Youth - Little Trouble Girl
Weezer - El Scorcho
Johnny Cash - Hurt
Eels - Novocaine for the Soul
and more

The Work of Director Jonathan Glazer includes:
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity
Blur - The Universal
UNKLE - Rabbit in Your Headlights
Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms
Radiohead - Karma Police and more

The Work of Director Anton Corbijn includes:
Joy Division - Atmosphere
U2 - One
Depche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box
Henry Rollins - Liar
Travis - Re-Offender
The Killers - All the Things That I've Done
Beck & Dave Grohl MTV promos and more

The Work of Director Stéphane Sednaoui includes:
Björk - Big Time Sensuality (original and "new night version")
U2-Mysterious Ways
Garbage - Queer
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
Alanis Morisette - Ironic
REM - Lotus and more

Buy them for your family as gifts in time for September 16, Mexican Independence Day.

CHUNG! CHUNG!

2005-06-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

The Law & Order random plot generator.
[via]

Bottom of the Queue

2005-06-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

At the tail end of my Netflix queue:

#177: Homicide: Life on the Street: Seasons 1 &2: Vol. 4
#178: Super Fuzz
#179: Danny Deckchair
#180: Spanglish
#181: Road House

Wocka-wocka-wocka-wocka

2005-06-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is the guitar Rockstarjeff should play from here on out.
[via]

Beer, cigarettes, and Band-Aids

2005-06-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Country music album title? Or the saddest purchase ever made at the Burbank Sav-On? You make the call.

WTF? The Super Hasselhoff Edition

2005-06-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

If Superman came from Germany:

From some genius on Fark.

To Morgan Spurlock

2005-06-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a fan of your work. Super Size Me made me change some of my attitudes about eating fast food (although there is still no denying that Shamrock Shakes rule). Your new show 30 Days is great, based on the first episode. Seeing how you and your girlfriend struggled spending a month living on minimum wage made me feel less shitty about myself for being unemployed/blacklisted and sitting on my ass all day watching Starting Over.
So why are you filming a promo for your show out on the jogging track near my apartment? I need to go out there and run free, without being self conscious of a video camera operating nearby, and the fear that my awkward jog-walk-trip makes it onto some b-roll and I end up on the 30 Days wrap party blooper reel, which makes it onto the internet, and I become known as that jog-walk-trip guy.
Did Ellen put you up to this? Did she hire you to videotape me? Does she want to study my moves with the perspective that walking backwards cannot give her?

Here is the layout of the battlefield:

04-05 TV Season Wrap-Up

2005-06-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm retired/blacklisted from working in television, I can make impartial comments on the past television season's finales, and speculate on what the future might hold. And thanks to retirement/blacklisting, I've just caught up on my Tivoing.

Alias: The Spyfamily invades a Russian town populated by extras from 28 Days Later, and avoids the tidal wave of Rambaldi Water that nearly creamed Vaughn in season one. Unfortunately for Vaughn, the Rambaldi Water wanted to finish the job and rented a Suburban and sideswiped him on the road to Santa Barbra. Next Season: Vaughn's in a wheelchair, and after seeing an "Accidentes" bus ad, retains southern California's best Spanish-language ambulance chaser to sue the Rambaldi Water. And lots of stunt doubles are used to cover up that Affleck impregnated Garner.

Lost: There's nothing in the hatch that we'll see for at least a year, the monster is a puff of smoke, Charlie's going to get back on the horse, Walt's been kidnapped by Vietnam vets in a shrimp boat, and the guys in the raft are treading water. Next Season: Michelle Rodriguez Girfights her way to the other side of the island, Hurley sweats a lot, and the raft guys wash ashore on one of those deserted beaches where they find a bottle of Coors Light, open it, and the beach turns into a bitchin' spring break party with bikini girls and Eddie Van wailing on guitar.

Charmed: Is this show still on? Really? People watch it? And the WB canceled Angel but kept this on? Next Season: No way in hell this thing's coming back in the 05-06 season. Really? You're not messing with me, are you? Damn.

Veronica Mars: Veronica caught Lily's killer. I won't say who it was because of Johnnies (or Megans)-come-lately watching the reruns. Next Season: I still feel creepy for thinking Veronica's hot, even though Kristen Bell is 25.

24: After invading the Wilshire Ebell, Jack Bauer was forced to fake his own death. Tony and Michelle vow to leave CTU. William Devane remained in an undisclosed location. Palmer was used like a Kleenex. The medical facilities at CTU twice proved to be lacking in the not-killing-your-patient area. Next Season: Jack Bauer travels the countryside like David Banner, solving mysteries. But don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Plus, the unspoken sexual tension between Chloe and Edgar Stiles heats up.

Gilmore Girls: Lorelai asks Luke to marry her. Rory drops out of college for a semester, and moves into the grandparents' pool house. Next Season: If Rory follows what I did after taking a semester off college, she'll get a youth-draining job at a crappy movie theater. But that won't happen. She lives in the pool house of a damn mansion. (Cast prediction: In a project to be shot over hiatus, Ed Herrmann will play a character from the thirties or forties.)

Smallville: Clark is in the Arctic, Lex has gone all Dynasty on Chloe, and Lana's already gigantic eyes go wider as the door to a crashed Kryptonian spacecraft opens. Why does this show have such great season cliffhangers/openings, but spend the bulk of the season dicking around? Next Season: Clark lays the foundation for a kickass Fortress of Solitude. Lex adopts his adult signature colors of green and pink. Plus: Terence Stamp, motherfuckers.

Deadwood: Some cocksucker agents from Yankton square off against the cocksucker agents of Mr. Hurst and the fate of the camp is in jeopardy. I'm still not sure what happened, but they've got me for season three. Next Season: More cocksuckers.

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic: Britney is revealed to be legally retarded. Kevin looks up the word 'chaotic' in the dictionary, but gives up when he can't find the word in the 'k' section. Next Season: A People Magazine cover story is born when Fetus Spears spawns.

WTF?

2005-06-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

Possibly the only thing more disturbing than Roy Orbison in clingfilm is the Haley Joel Osment fanfiction archive. What the author of this story lacks in specific details about the movie business (Joel Osment pays for his lunch on set? Pacino and DeNiro are friends?) is made up for with authentic spirit (Marlon Brando eating a found egg sandwich). I know plagiarism is wrong, but there's some great stuff here I'm going to use in my spec sequel to Bogus.

9/11

2005-06-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

From WFMU's blog comes this well-written, non tinfoil hat-wearing piece on 9/11, New Yorkers' opinions on a possible government conspiracy, and an argument for that theory. Link

Fan Sites

2005-06-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Public Radio Fan
Clay Aiken Fan
Bigfoot Extreme Fan
Jesus Fan
Stryper Fan
Cremaster Fan
Carson Daly Fan
Carson Kressley Fan
Vornado Fan
Unicorn Fan
Stallone Fan
Lamborghini Fan
Bears Fan
Flickerstick Fan
Danny Masterson Fan
Cereal Fan
Franken Fan
Popcorn Fan
Shakira Fan
DePalma Fan

Fuck You John Moen

2005-06-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last night's performance by Stephen Malkmus at the El Rey was plagued by tech difficulties (tech crew en route from Minneapolis, apparently) but otherwise enjoyable. That is, until SM & The Jicks embarked on an epic encore wankstravaganza. The indie rock wankstravaganza is nothing new (take credit where credit's due, Sonic Youth) but always annoying. If I wanted to hear a twenty minute jam I'd start listening to Phish or go see Ween in concert. Leave that shit in the garage, kids.
Now, the Jicks' wankstravaganza last night ended with a five minute solo by drummer John Moen in which he played Malkmus's guitar, embarking on an epic journey of guitaric wankitude, causing the guy from Scanners to politely ask that the sound be turned down. What I'm saying is my ears were hurting. But last night inspired me to slide a little government cheese towards the purchase of a pair of nice earplugs. (Cheaper here)
I will become that guy at the show with the earplugs. Okay, maybe I'm partly to blame. I was standing a little too close to the speakers. But still I blame you, John Moen. Maybe there are others who are culpable. Stephen Malkmus, for handing you his guitar (and giving off a half-assed "Jenny and the Ess-Dog"). Joanna Bolme, for cranking the pedals. That dude who was leaning on the stage pumping his fist with each line of a song. He just sucked. But I blame drummer John Moen. For hurting my ears and making me think about taking better care of my hearing. Fuck you, John Moen. Fuck you, and... thank you.

Yay! We did it!

2005-06-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

Comedy Central has posted the entire first episode of Stella here.

Update: Also available for direct download here.
Update 2: That download is apparently useless if you use a Mac.

It's Official:

2005-06-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Child molestation is now legal in the state of California.

To the lady who walks backwards

2005-06-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe I'm a little sensitive today. Some minor drinking out last night was capped by a Carls Jr. Bacon Guacamole Six Dollar Burger and a double shot of Pimp My Ride early in the morning. That doesn't help anything. But I've been working on keeping a routine of light exercise on the jogging track by my apartment. And for the past two mornings, I've been haunted by the Backwards Walking Lady. And somehow, no matter how I slow down or speed up, I always find myself ten feet behind this lady. Walking backwards. Staring at me. Judging me.
What is the health benefit of walking backwards? Is this really something people do? [Ed. note: Yes.] Please stop walking backwards when I'm out there. Please.
Backwards Walking Lady looks like the Sololynns' former landlady, who all day watched from the sidewalk as we moved their furniture, belongings, and the Wade Archives out of their old apartment. I fear the landlady took a shine to me and moved to Burbank to observe me. And then she will trap me in a giant terrarium in her basement, Brocktoon-style. Ellen!!!!

Now excuse me. I have to take a shower and either:
a) Go and listen to the Eisley CD again. (It makes me want to draw unicorns in puffy paint!)
b) Go buy Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on Xbox and avoid doing anything productive.

Buffet Country report

2005-06-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I really could give two shits about Jimmy Buffet, but this is a wonderful portrait of Jason Martin, 22 year-old busboy, pot smoker, mastermind behind the theft of Jimmy Buffet's cell phone. I wonder if he called the cheeseburger in paradise... Oh crap, I can't bring any Buffet lyrics to mind, so I'm kind of floating out in the ocean on this one. I'll just post a picture of a Buffet fan, also known as a parrot head:
[via Engadget]

Watching my cred

2005-06-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Right after posting the Batman Begins review, I reread and see now that this review looks a little too Ain't it Cool Newsy. But I've got to post something today, so to maintain cred with my regular three readers, I'll share this story: A friend of mine who lives in Austin worked in a restaurant where corpulent critic Harry Knowles went for dinner. Despite stuff running down his leg, he was not aware that he had shit himself. So, as any reasonable restaurant would do when a three hundred pound man defecates himself in a booth, he was kicked out and banned from the restaurant.

Cred maintained.

Showboat at the Movies

2005-06-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Batman Begins
More like, BESTman Begins (to go Whatevs on you). Christopher Nolan has made a film that functions on many different levels, and is more of a character study (with extreme ass-kicking) than a comic book film. As far as comic-booky things go, it's interesting how they've managed to explain the origins of Batman's arsenal of weapons and the Batcave. Christian Bale is the most physically convincing Batman on screen to date. The supporting cast is made up of heavy-duty character actors, none of whom grandstand or showboat. Caine, Neeson, Freeman, Oldman, Wilkinson, Hauer, and Murphy all play their parts in service to the story, and serve a function. (Sorry, Lee Jones and Arnold) The only weak point of the film is L. Ron's child bride Katie Holmes. The main problem with Holmes is, she's a star. A collapsed star, whose presence on screen is that of a swirling black hole drawing all light and matter into another dimension. (That dig on Katie Holmes was sponsored by Carl Sagan's Planetary Society.) Hopefully, the next film in this series will go without Holmes, and they can explore another topic of the Batman mythos that I've always wondered: the hows and whys of the nipples on Batman's costume. [Rating: Four whistles out of five]

Business expense

2005-06-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

This would so help me out at work.

Okay, I work at home.

Okay, I'm unemployed. But I still want a robo-suit. I could fight crime.

[via Gizmodo]

Rejected!

2005-06-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

I made an attempt to submit a design for competition on Threadless, but my t-shirt idea is apparently too ahead of its time. Or too late. Maybe I should have released this design earlier, when the war was happening, or maybe around the release of Meatballs or My Bodyguard, when Chris Makepeace was in the zeitgeist. To not buy this t-shirt, click here.

Not cool, CNN

2005-06-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

It seems that CNN.com's sponsors are trying to capitalize on the latest interest in Aruba, and the kidnapping of an American high school student:

They're laughing at you not with you

2005-06-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

Winner of last year's "Showboatie" award, Funny Ha-Ha comes to Los Angeles area theaters. Asthetically speaking, the film resembles Slacker the most, but without the pretension that Linklater was so self-satisfied with until a turd called The Newton Boys Skeet'ed his way. But I digress.
Funny Ha-Ha follows the post-collegiate Marnie, played by the crush-worthy Kate Dollenmayer, who drifts between guys who are too cool or not cool at all. I can't summarize the plot, it's character-driven. But it's also really funny, not in a got-hit-in-the-nuts-with-a-frying-pan funny, but funny like your friends are funny. Unless you're friends with Jim Belushi.

www.laemmle.com

Back in Harbor

2005-06-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

The Showboat is back after a month of ~~apathy~~ rest and reflection. Start submitting your favorite Elliot Gould-inspired recipies for our upcoming cooking contest!
Bonus cartoon: Me after my Tai-Chi class, arriving home to find the Britney Spears reality show on TV.

[Full Disclosure Dept.: I actually do not attend a Tai-Chi class. I actually Tivo'd the Spears show and watched five minutes after having a Good Cry following Starting Over.]

Daily Gould

2005-05-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

Elliott's not a player, he just crush a lot.

Credit Where Credit's Due Dept: Most photos from The Elliott Gould Zone

Daily Gould

2005-05-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Daily Gould

2005-05-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'd be making an O-face too if I were in a bathtub with a circa 1970 Paula Prentiss.

The WB is stalking me

2005-05-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

I saw a commercial on TV for a contest involving Megan's favorite show, One Tree Hill. All you had to do was text on your Cingular phone whether or not Pacey should make out with Dawson or something like that, and be entered into a contest for a trip to the set of One Tree Hill. Now, I like The Boosh (a.k.a. The New Mrs. Chad Mike), but I've never seen the show. They do film the show thirty minutes away from my parents house and since I'm no longer an employee of a WB show, I was legally entitled to enter for the chance to fly home for free. Ever since then, I've had frequent texts from One Tree Hill.

The first, was on 4/28/2005:

OTH POLL: Should Anna come out to her parents? A) Of course, honesty is always the best policy. B) Uh uh. It's nobody's business but her own. Reply A or B.

I replied A. As a Television Professional, I know the ratings value of some girl on girl action. Upon sending my reply, I was sent an update on the poll results.

Results: Of Course! (100%) Uh uh! (0%)

Looks like I have my fingers on the pulse of America. But it's not over! I just received this:

OTH ALERT: Lucas and Nathan take up drag racing, Deb pops pills and Andy nearly loses his job over Karen. Watch it all unfold 2 nite on OTH at 9/8c on The WB.

I don't know who Lucas, Nathan, Deb, Andy, and Karen are, but those stories sound GREAT! I'm going to steal them for the Life on a Stick spec I'm writing. If anyone knows how to stop getting these messages, let me know.

UPDATE! Here's some Bonus Boosh:

The Devil Don't Give Positive Feedback

2005-05-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I've been drunk enough to want to sell my soul for a cigarette, but a Winston? That's just bad business sense.
[Via it is ok]

Daily Gould

2005-05-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

Words of Wisdom from the Solomonster

2005-05-03T01:58:00.000-07:00

"Quit mocking hot people!! They give so much and expect so little in return!"
Thank you Wade. Truer words were never spoken.

Daily Gould

2005-05-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

Reduce, reuse

2005-04-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Ripped from the headlines

2005-04-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

Funkier than Winkerbean

2005-04-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Unemployment Funnies

2005-04-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

A Showboat Original Comic

2005-04-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

Huh?

2005-04-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

This has me confused.

If You Kids Don't Settle Down, You're Going To Bed Without Being Presented for an Oscar for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Sound Editing

2005-02-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

Tim Robbins responds to Chris Rock's ribbing in a way Sean Penn isn't smart enough to do.

I Am Sophia

2005-02-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

Which Golden Girl Are You?

The Shatner - Rocket Man

2005-02-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

Can anyone suggest an iMovie effect that will give me a Shatner composite/bootlegged video look? For reference see this video.

Best Record Review ever

2005-02-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

From Andy Earles:

LIZ PHAIR
S/t
The barfly of Wicker Park returns with an album for people who fuck to NPR.

The hottest photo ever.

2005-02-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure

2005-02-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

Continuing the Jason Albertin tribute, here's the debut video from Newcastle Upon Tyne's own Maximo Park. They're in the Franz Ferdinand mode of bands that sound like they could have come from 1984. (The book, not the year) They're going to be in the US next month, hitting NY, SXSW, and opening for the Kaiser Chiefs in LA on March 21. Watch "Apply Some Pressure" here.

Cut Copy - Future

2005-02-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

From Canadian director Jaron Albertin comes the video for Cut Copy's song "Future." Interesting use of split screen, and it's good to see the floating disembodied limbs from The Escape Club's "Wild Wild West" video are getting work again. And kudos on the Tim Blake Nelson cameo. I really like this video. Click here to view.

Who ordered room service?

2005-02-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

I always vomit when I hear Bryan Adams, too.

The Blow - Knowing The Things That I Know

2005-02-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is a video I found on antville by The Blow that's starting to grow on me. It kind of reminds me of the Postal Service. And FINALLY, there's a music video that gets in the mind of Magic: The Gathering players. It's something the world has been waiting for. The EP this song comes from is sold out, but you can download an MP3 here.

WHY, GOD, WHY?!

2005-02-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

Why, when I Google "music videos" is a result on the second page THIS?!!? Why is Grace Jones making a music video and calling herself Olympic runner Carl Lewis?! Can someone tell me why?! Why is this page higher up on the search results than something like Sputnik 7??? Shame on you Carl Lewis, and shame on you internet.

Erlend Øye - Sudden Rush

2005-02-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

Erlend Øye, half of Kings of Convenience released his solo album Unrest in 2003. The promo released for the album was a video of "Sudden Rush," directed by Pulp's Jarvis Cocker and Martin Wallace. It's like a combination of a science test film and a Benny Hill sketch. Watch it and you'll understand. Hopefully.

Return of the mack

2005-02-16T23:36:00.000-08:00

News from the land of our former overlords is that Ricky Gervais has begun work on a new series with Stephen Merchant called Extras. It's about showbusiness wannabes who work as extras on film sets. I'll be looking forward to this show with great interest, not just because I'm a huge fan of The Office, but also because I was an extra in the greatest movie ever made.

Genius Train Wreck (OR: Country Goodness and Golden Pea-ness)

2005-02-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

The original King of Crunk.
Orson Welles. The original showboat and director of Citizen Kane and F for Fake, known for being difficult, spent his final years hawking various products in commercials. Some stuff has leaked over the years of Welles being difficult on commercial shoots, and here's a few examples:
Orson doesn't like how these peas are being sold. (MP3, via Ubuweb)
Orson was sampling the Paul Masson champagne before the shoot. (video, via Viceland)
And, parodies from "The Critic." (Scroll down to the bottom of the page.)

Orson Welles still did some great work, and I hope to one day moider his Pink's Hot Dogs record.

Gold Chains & Sue Cie - California Nights

2005-02-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

There's always been something about Gold Chains that bothered me. He seems like the theater nerd guy who wasn't able to adapt to life after high school then got a job at the mall and eventually became manager of Spencer's Gifts, then at 30 started wearing a doo-rag and telling people "they best be steppin'." And she looks like the lost Olsen twin. But Gold Chains is like Har Mar or MC Paul Barman, white rappers who appear to be goofs, but make good music. This song is kind of best, and Ruben Fleischer makes some cool videos. Here's the big version and here's the little version. Buy the album, "When the World Was Our Friend" here.

The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes

2005-02-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess directs this new video by The Postal Service. I give it a thumbs-up, and I'd like to go on record as saying I'd join any Casio and dried fruit cult that sweet Jenny Lewis was in. Check out the video here or here. Buy the single for The Postal Service's "We Will Become Silhouettes" here.